Category: Humor

Only in America (the Canadian version)

This is so sad; from a proud, strong country to the laughing stock of the world.

I have *not* fact-checked the numbers. I might, if I find I have spare time, but most of it doesn’t need checking, it’s common knowledge. I received this via an email. It is not my own work-product.

Canadians’ Version of David Letterman’s Top 10. Just makes you want to shake your head in disbelief, and just maybe choke someone in charge.

This is Canada ‘s Top Ten List of America ‘s Stupidity.

# 10
Only in America … could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event.

# 09
Only in America… could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanic

# 08
Only in America… could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

# 07
Only in America… can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

# 06
Only in America… would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens. (this one is BS, there isn’t anything being proposed for automatic citizenship, just amnesty)

# 05
Only in America … could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be called EXTREMISTS

# 04
Only in America … could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

# 03
Only in America … could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes  (Nike).

# 02
Only in America… could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

# 01
Only in America…. could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Bonus:
Only in America do you have to pass a drug test to get a pay check, yet any crack head can get their welfare check no questions asked.

Illegal Status, Please

I don’t know if this was ever really sent, but it’s pretty darned funny, IMO.

The Honorable Wydon
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Wydon,

As a native Oregonian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach ‘illegal alien’ status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA, soon).

Dale B Rilyeu
Lebanon, Or

A bit of humor about tolerance

I am appalled that so many people are against the mosque near Ground Zero.

We should allow it in order to promote tolerance. I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance within the mosque. We could call them “The Turban Cowboy” and “You Mecca Me Hot”.

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and has an open barbecue with pork ribs cooking at lunchtime. Across the street there should be a daring lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret”, and next door with flashing neon sign should be an Adult Toy Shop.

In this way we can all learn tolerance for each-other.

(from an email received from one of my sisters)

Curtis & Leroy

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. And bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day..

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already..”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can!  Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

(sent to me by a former colleague)